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November 17, 2004

NO! Not Naked backs!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how big the hoo-ha over the intro to Monday Night Football has gotten, but I still am. For anyone not in the know, the intro involved Nicolette Sheridan, a peripheral character on ABC's Desperate Housewives, some terrific TV in my opinion, seducing Terrell Owens of the Philadelphia Eagles before a game. She dropped her towel and the viewing public saw...gasp...her naked back.

A few things about the show first. Edie, Sheridan's character in the show, is a skank and hasn't even appeared on the show for the last couple of episodes. It would have been way sexier if Gabrielle had been the one in the locker room. However, if you watch the show, you know that Terrell is way too old for Gabrielle.

And now the 21st Century Puritans are up in arms over a little bit of non-frontal nudity on TV. "What will I tell my children?" is the familiar refrain. I don't know about you all, but by the time I was five years old I understood that grownups who liked each other might want to see each other naked. By the time I was ten, I was thankful that Aaron, the kid down the street, had stolen a couple of his grandpa's Hustlers for our enjoyment. And shit, you see cartoon characters in towels seducing other cartoon characters on teevee. I think Bugs Bunny wore drag in order to seduce Elmer Fudd back in the 1950's. And don't forget daytime teevee which is dirtier than anything on primetime.

The NFL is especially hypocritical in this respect. Check out the cheerleaders of NFL teams that appear on TEEvee every Sunday and Monday. I use more floss in a week than those women wear. And then there's the unending commercials for boner pills. "Hey, daddy, what's erectile dysfunction?" Oh, and the official beer of the NFL, Coor Light and their skanky twins. "Umm, Dad, why do people like those twins?" The answer to both those questions would have to involve the phrase "because it's for men, honey," which gets to a bigger issue in our culture than the NFL can handle. Ads portraying men doped up on Cialis with their 36-hour boners are fine, but women getting off on something on TV is not. And this leads to the abortion issue which I won't even touch here.

I've always thought Tony Dungy, head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, was a twit on par with former Nebraska coach Ron Brown and now I know it's true. "To me that's the first thing I thought of as an African-American. I think it's stereotypical in looking at the players, and on the heels of the Kobe Bryant incident I think it's very insensitive. I don't think that they would have had Bill Parcells or Andy Reid or one of the owners involved in that," he added, a reference to the coaches in the game."

He went on to say that he hoped his team never played on Monday night again and how he didn't know how to explain it to his 12-year old son.

A couple of things, Tone. If you still think your almost teenage son needs an explanation, then you've either had him locked in a closet for the past twelve years or, more likely, as an NFL coach you've been working 100 hour weeks for the past 10+ years and can barely remember your son's name, you can thank one of his friends for filling him in on the birds y bees stuff.

And then there's the racial issue Tony raised. Is he offended because Nicolette wasn't hot enough for Terrell? I doubt it, so what does that leave? Remember when Cleavon Little said "Where're all the white women at?" in Blazing Saddles? Is Tony feeding all the racist fantasies of redneck Texans who drag black men behind their pickups? Don't portray interracial lovin' on the TeeVee because people don't like that? That's sorta what it seems like to me.

Seriously, get a grip. I was a kid once and I'm doing OK. I remember when my mom told me about the birds y bees. She was riding her exercise bike and she called me in to talk to her. I was eight years old and I was pissed because there was a movie on the Teevee about giant ants killing people that I was missing because I had to hear about daddy putting his hoohoo in mommy's chacha. In any case, I got the talk and if you saw the Simpsons last week you know what happened next.

Posted by Half-Cocked at November 17, 2004 08:20 PM


did you hear the daily show joke about it last night? basically "all these people were alarmed by the monday night football opening to the fcc, but no one cared about the beer commercials...and twins" or something like that.

i was wondering if the fcc needs to open an anti-complaint line...because i suspect all the emails i'm sending to michael powell are being counted as complaints, and they're not. they're for naked backs on television, even dennis franz. otherwise, our fundamentalists principals are no better than the fundamentalist principals overseas.

Posted by: julee at November 18, 2004 03:36 PM

OH YEAH....people complain about that monday night football thing, and then EVERY NEWS SHOW broadcasts the thing. that's my favorite part.

Posted by: julee at November 18, 2004 03:36 PM