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January 07, 2005

Dear Man,

E. Spatch has sent out a Jane magazine-style "Dear Man" to "her favorite male bloggers" and judging by the traffic coming from over there, I'd better follow through on my promise to respond.

She poses the question "How can a girl know if a boy likes her?" but then asks for me to explain one aspect of male behavior in depth. It'd be easier is she assigned me a behavior (sloth, gluttonly, greed, lust, lust, lust or lust). the Asian Sensation has asked for clarification but I, boldly, steadfastly and resolutely, will try and answer both questions by combining them.

I do want to warn Ms. Spatula first. Slow down a little. I know you're not looking to marry your cabana boy but one more divorce and you're going to wind up living in a van down by the river. Do explore the joys of sapphic love with one or two of the numerous blawg-lesbians. Just stay away from women who go to Harvard, BC, BU, Northeastern, UMass, etc.

Now, back to the boy question. Granted, I haven't courted in nearly 10 years, and the standard mating rituals have changed a lot since then. I snagged the missus by hanging out with her after work a lot and introducing her to the White Russian. I'm not sure the present day single man is familiar with such subtle techniques, however.

In observing boys courting girls in the law school setting, a setting that is not so different from bars, coffeehouses, bookstores, bathhouses and S & M clubs, there are a few things that stick out.

Proximity. A guy that likes you looks for excuses to be near you. Are you always running into him at the Diet Coke machine but he only drinks Vanilla Pepsi. Does he always walk by you as you study in the library? Does he just happen to be getting coffee at the same time as you? Is he renting the apartment next door to you? Are you missing undergarments?

Eye contact. Guys like to look at the ladies they like. Do you catch him looking at you from across the classroom? When he's around you does he wear aviator sunglasses? When you grab a book from the shelf, is he peeking through from the other side? Do you keep finding little cameras in your shower and bedroom?

Common interests. Men will sometimes discover they like the same things you like. Does he love to make fun of Britney Spears' married life? Is his bookshelf full of texts on Admiralty law? When you say "I'll get the beer" does he say "I'll get the hose and funnel?" Does he have a crush on James Spader and like to post pics of hot men on his weblog?

A few things to watch out for -

Let me know if you have any questions.

Female readers? Julee, Katie, Sara, Sarah, Beanie, Shelley? Any tips for E. Spatch?

Posted by Half-Cocked at January 7, 2005 04:23 PM

Comments

I met my husband at a roleplaying game (the geeky kind, not the sexy kind) and we both knew within weeks we'd end up together for life. As a result, my sister has informed me, I am in no position to give advice about dating.

(Although you can knit for the *right* guy within a year. But only the right one. Others will be frightened and will run away...and maybe that's a good thing, because then you can work on finding the right one.)

Posted by: Shelley at January 7, 2005 05:36 PM

First off, I think this is the first time I've ever commented here although I read your blawg all the time. You would know me as the person who allowed you to stay up to date on Husker recruiting by watching my screen in Unfair Comp. Still waiting for your top 20 songs of 2004 although I have almost convinced myself over this break that I would be content in a world where the only people making music were the ones creating it in the 60's.

I think your list is pretty accurate but I'd have put eye contact at the top. That's the biggest one in my book. I think it should also be pointed out that some people like myself intentionally avoid getting involved with fellow law schoolers just b/c you are around each other so much and when it goes South it makes previous friends take sides and can be a real pain in the ass. I think you married people have it pretty good as when you don't go out as much and then hold yourself to higher standards with classmates you spend so much time with, it can turn a man into a master of self gratification.

What are virile and single law schoolers looking for? Personally, all I want is an attractive woman who is smart enough to not screw up when playing cards with other couples. The outside kicker is accents but isn't required. Doesn't seem like much but that's basically all I'm looking for and if I ever get back into shape, maybe I'll find that bridge/pitch playing trophy wife.

Posted by: Lunchbox at January 7, 2005 06:43 PM

This is awesome...I laughed, I cried! I really wasn't thinking of anything specific when I asked the question...but it's prompted by a conversation I had with a friend where I said that I'm never sure as I get older if guys like me or they just want to be drinking buddies. My self-esteem can't take the hits it would get by putting my shit on the line with someone who's really not interested. There's not an actual person prompting this...just a general uneasiness that as I get older it gets harder to tell what's going on in people's minds. Maybe it's the brain cloud.

Posted by: energy spatula at January 7, 2005 08:06 PM

Come on Steve. My awesome facial hair is not ironic. In fact....it is so intensely serious that it almost stretches beyond stone-cold serious and back to ironic, then to unwaveringly austere, and then, only then does it sort of become ironic again. So you tell me: why can't I get a date?

Posted by: Eric at January 7, 2005 09:37 PM

Wilt: You've poked your head in here once before. last summer I think. If you're yearning for the music of the 60's, you'll be glad to know that Smile is in the top 20. Maybe I'll get to it tomorrow while I'm watching football.

Shelley: I have enough old-school D & D jokes hidden in these pages that I probably shouldn't be commenting either.

E. Spatch: If a guy is single and wants to be your drinking buddy, there's a good chance there's something else there.

Eric: I should have made my statement more concise. Serious goatees and staches were what I was talking about. Your facial hair is far too serious to even be considered in the realm of facial hair.

Posted by: Steve at January 7, 2005 10:47 PM

You know he's into you when you keep turning him down but he keeps asking you. You know he's *serious* (as opposed to just being into you) when he asks you to marry him and you say no but you eventually get married anyway.

Like the facial hair thing, it's a fine line between being into you and stalking you.

Posted by: E. McPan at January 8, 2005 09:19 AM

Okay, I gotta weigh in on this. I think the higher quality guys take the more subtle approach, which is infuriating. It took me like 6 months to figure out if Steve liked me. I've been off the market for a long time, but I've learned a lot from my numerous single (male and female) friends. It seems like guys don't actually ask women out on dates anymore. If he likes you, he's more likely to ask you, "So whatcha got to drink at your house?" outside the bar at one in the morning. Some guy recently asked one of my friends out to dinner and she had no idea how to react.

Eric: I think women are just intimidated by the intensity of your facial hair.

Posted by: Sarah at January 8, 2005 07:13 PM

If you can believe it, I didn't promise Sarah anything to lump me in with the "higher quality guys."

Posted by: Steve at January 9, 2005 02:29 AM

excellent question indeed!

the truth is i can't really ever tell. i usually always ask the guy out. i think i know what i like. i'm not saying it's the right move. also after living my life like this for years, i found a guy on my front doorstep with his phone number saying, "i was going to give this to you at a rock show last week, but you weren't there." amazingly cute and decisisve.

another reason i (usually) can't ever tell: the guys who i ask out are usually not the guys who ask me out. i guess i could say there are looks that guys have, but they usually don't come out until after a couple of drinks. (or maybe i can't SEE them until after a couple drinks!) another thing: they'll steer the conversation back into something you like talking about, or a topic on which he clicked with you last time you talked. so yeah, talking is mandatory for that one.

you asked how you can tell if a guy likes you. well the first step of that is a guy deciding he likes you or not. in my experience, (most) guys don't really decide anything anymore, so it's probably all up to you. i mean do you really want some guy p*ssyfooting around with his other likes and dislikes for the rest of the relationship, and then blowing up at you because you made such a big deal about event Q, only to find he detested everything about event Q, and could only finally decide he was pissed 6 months later? do you really want one of those? (sorry if this sounds too rules-ish.)

oh yeah and the knitting rule is you can't knit for a man until you're engaged. crochet is fine as long as it is only an owl wall hanging/plant holder.

Posted by: julee at January 10, 2005 01:49 PM

actually sarita and i had a list of "deal breakers", like the red flags you point out.

the only one i can remember is dresses up for renaisance festivals. the only exception to this is if your sister sells jewelery at said festival, and her husband is in 2 casts and she needs you to help. that is the ONLY exception.

Posted by: julee at January 12, 2005 06:51 PM

okee, i know i am insanely late ringing in... still, better late than unrecorded, i say.

re, if a guy likes you: men are not subtle creatures. and yes, i agree with sarah that these days, especially in l-town, courting seems to be, "wanna come over and watch my star wars DVDs and screw?" not that that's unappealing but it must be said, we are getting a little too old for this shit.

anyway, if a guy is making lots of eye contact, putting his hand on your arm/knee/hand, sticking around you when he has more established, closer friends in the vicinity... these are good signs.

the drinking buddy thing does NOT work. abort! abort! i need two hands to count how many "drinking buddies" have, eventually, suggested we sleep together too, or have gone in for the awkward kiss attempt after a few too many beers.

and yes, julee, our list was exhaustive but now i've forgotten most of it. i think there were some red flag bands. i think he couldn't (unironically) live at home. i think i said a guy has to be my respectful of my love of journey's guitar ballads and the O.C.

Posted by: sarita at January 13, 2005 08:32 AM

I agree with E. McPan. Guys who really are interested will only see the first rejection as a sign that it's just not the right time, but that it is right eventually. I'll use my life as an example.

I was dating another girl when I realized how much I wanted my female friend. She, at the time, was dating some other guy as well. Despite this, I informed her of how I felt. She basically encouraged me by saying that if she were single, she'd definitely go for it, but since she wasn't single, then she couldn't. How did my young mind hear this? I read that as "Yes I want you but something is stopping us from being together. Wait for me to break up with him or do something to prove to me that I should break up with him."

So I broke up with my girlfriend at the time and spent a lot of time trying to be with her - studying, hanging out, even shopping with her. Ultimately, she broke up with him. And we've been together for almost a full decade now.

Posted by: Ex Mea Sententia at January 14, 2005 02:52 PM