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January 11, 2005
In defense of kickers, In favor of their ultimate demise
Between the bathroom radio and the car radio on the way to and from school today I heard numerous nitwits atwitter over the statements Indianpolis kicker, Mike Vanderjagt, made about the New England Patriots. Lots of "he's just a kicker, what does he know", "he should just shut up and kick", and "he doesn't even break a sweat during a game."
What horrible things did Vanderjagt say about the Patriots? I finally found out a little while ago, and really, they are quite shocking. Things that wouldn't even issue from NDC's blue keyboard. Things like "I think they're [the Patriots] ripe for the picking" and "I think they're not as good as the beginning of the year and not as good as last year."
Truer, blander fighting words have never been spoken. The issue among ESPN heads and the portly ex-pros they interview is that kickers shouldn't be saying anything. I've heard plenty of ex-players say that kickers aren't real players and that they need to learn their place.
Sadly, the way the game is played nowadays, a good kicker is the difference between an average season and a good one, or the difference between a Super Bowl champion and the second-place goat. How many times do you see a game turn on a field goal, missed extra point or a short kickoff or out-of-bounds kickoff resulting in good field position for the opposition?
Real players might not respect or even like their kickers, but they'd be screwed without them, or wish they had a better one, like Mike Vanderjagt.
I have a plan, though. A plan to put those uppity kickers in their place, the unemployment line. The place kick is the vestigial tail on football's big plodding tradition-bound ass. How dumb is it that a game based on overpowering your opponent and moving a ball across a vertical plane is so often decided by some loud-mouthed jerk being able to kick a bowl between two pipes. American football is so far removed from its cousins across the pond that continuing with place kicking is just plain silly.
Here is my 3-point plan for taking the foot (mostly) out of football.
- No more PAT kicks. Everyone goes for two. It would make the game more exciting and put the weight of the win or loss on the shoulders of the big important QB and the opposing defense.
- No more kickoffs from a tee. Once we get rid of the place-kicker, we won't want to do traditional kickoffs either. Instead, do a free kick from the fifty yard line after a touchdown. Half the guys on the team probably punted in high school. One of them can do the job.
- No more punting specialists. Since we're doing a free kick, the guy doing that should be able to handle the punting duties. Teams will not be allowed to carry a punter on their roster. The player doing the punting must be someone from the two-deep depth chart.
I expect quick adoption of this plan. The Indianapolis Colts can thank me later.
Posted by Half-Cocked at January 11, 2005 11:49 PM
Comments
What does it mean to punt? Seriously. I thought that was the same as kicking off to the other team (which now I'm guessing is done from a tee, while the punt is from a person holding and kicking?)
Posted by: stag at January 12, 2005 02:41 AM
football doesn't exist anymore. have you seen this? http://www.slate.com/id/2112150/
your wife would think it was mad krunk.
Posted by: julee at January 12, 2005 04:10 PM
You are mostly right, stag. Punting is kicking off to the other team but it's done on fourth down, usually, rather than after a touchdown. And the punt is from a person holding and kicking.
Posted by: Steve at January 13, 2005 12:11 AM
And sadly, which team is saying these things about a kicker? The Patriots??? The team that won 2 Superbowls on a last minute FIELD GOAL!!
Posted by: Justin at January 13, 2005 05:32 PM