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March 05, 2005
Toilets are the real key
The most recent missive from Bobo's World touched on the family destroying evil of separate bank accounts in a marriage. Brooks is aghast at the number of financial books that suggest separate bank accounts and the number of married couples that actually have them. Of course, in the ideal Bobo's World, each household only has one income so the difference between a joint account and separate accounts is nil.
Too many bloggers for me to link have touched on the issue, and except for Heidi I don't think any of them have actually been married or have had to approach the issue from a practical perspective. When Sarah and I first began living in sin we each had separate accounts and one person would write all the checks and the other would write a check for half to the other. It was kind of a pain in the ass and led to little disputes over how much each owed the other. Later we figured out that rent came to about half and the rest of the stuff, utilities, groceries, etc. made up the other half, so we did it that way.
Eventually, that caused some strife because the utility bills and grocery bills can fluctuate more than one expects over time. Finally, when we got married we opened a joint account in the same bank in which we both already had accounts. Since then, aside from some minor glitches, we've each transferred half of the total monthly expenses (mortgage, water, gas, electric, cable, garbage, food, and a little extra for going out) from our separate accounts to the joint account.
Bobo is more worried about spouses keeping deep dark monetary secrets from each other than he is about the marital discord than can come from separate accounts
For one thing, separate accounts can easily turn into secret accounts. A person's status and resources inside the home shouldn't be based on how much he or she is making outside it. A union based on love can easily turn into a merger based on self-interest, where the main criterion for continuing becomes: Am I getting a good return on my investment, psychic or otherwise?
Of course, Bobo, in dreaming of his perfect exurban world, ignores the fact that worries about investment returns from marriage existed long before there were two-household incomes and separate bank accounts. Isn't that what 19th Century English Literature was about? Besides, I don't think financial calculations figure into most successful marriages anyway.
Will brings up an issue about marital sharing that I think might be just as important in the long run, separate bathrooms. When I look at my parents or other couples who've been married for 30+ years, one thing is consistent. They all have separate bathrooms. Even if there isn't a clear demarcation, there's one that the man uses to shave, shit and shower, and another that has a bunch of makeup and lady stuff sitting around. Right now Sarah and I only have one bathroom. It can become rather unsightly at times, we both leave it a mess and we often want to use it at the same time.
The first thing we're doing when I get out of school is putting a second bathroom in the basement and Sarah has already talked about doing it before I'm done with school. It's not that sharing a bathroom is causing much conflict right now, but it would be one less reason for conflict. Plus, having a basement bathroom will ease the tremendouse inconvenience of having to walk all the way up the stairs to use it while watching TV or working in my office.
Posted by Half-Cocked at March 5, 2005 01:24 AM
Comments
After 12 years of marriage, I can say that there's a lot to your bathroom theory. It's been 6 years since we had one, and I'm never going back. Heck, now we have 2.5 - and double sinks in two of 'em! :)
I don't get the strong feelings about the bank accounts. It's never occurred to me to have a separate account...but if people want to, who cares?
Posted by: Shelley at March 5, 2005 11:52 AM
Since I've been married enough for all of us, let me make a short comment on separate bank accounts. My 2nd hubby and I were looking to buy a classic car to fix up. At some point, he decided that he wanted a Karman Ghia, which I thought was stupid. But, after a while, I gave in...and he found one he liked and wanted to buy. So, we're standing there with the car seller and I go "Hey, look, we just need to go the bank and get a loan for the car and then we'll come back..." At which point my ex pulls out a checkbook I've NEVER SEEN, and writes a check for $2500.00. On the way home I say "ummm...where did that come from?" Ex#2 proceeds to tell me that all his TDY money (like per diem from a business trip, only military) has been going into this account, along with a set disbursement of $50 from each of his paychecks, so that he can "buy me presents without having to ask for money." Presents, presumably, like the hideous Karman Ghia we had to have towed to our home. This is the same man who bought me a whoopie cushion for my birthday one year, and ball-bearings for my rollerblades the next year! He had thousands of dollars squirrelled away that I didn't know about, and was "borrowing" money from me and from our joint account on a regular basis because he was "broke." I seriously never forgave him for it...I never trusted him about money after that at all.
Posted by: energy spatula at March 5, 2005 12:49 PM
I have a friend who does the separate bank accounts thing and they write each other a lot of checks, which I think is weird but the reason she does it is because her parents did it. She lives in a community property state, though, so technically, it's their (presumptively) shared money anyway.
But as far as the bathrooms go, couples need their own. Definitely. Especially when the "master" bathroom only has a shower stall, which seems to be the newest trend or something. It's just too hard for me to shave in one of those things without pulling a muscle or something.
Posted by: E. McPan at March 5, 2005 06:24 PM
All this talk about separate bank accounts... you can have separate bank accounts *and* trust. And not hide money from each other, too... Modern banking technology is really fantastic.
Mrs. Dave! and I have a joint account. Both of our paychecks get deposited into that joint account, and we pay all common bills from it (utilities, groceries, etc.) then we have (automatically, yay technology) a set dollar amount transferred into our savings, and a small amount transferred into each of our personal accounts. There's no need for any of this "writing each other checks" business... that's silly. Let the bank do the work for you--if your bank can't handle linked accounts, get a new bank.
The money in our personal accounts is ours to do with as we please. If she wants to suprise me with some sexy lingere, so be it. If I want to suprise her with some diamond earings, cool. Fortunately, we both usually just blow our on money on cab fare and lunch because we're lazy, hedonistic gluttons. Life is good.
Separate bathrooms are a must... or at the very least, separate sinks.
Posted by: -Dave! at March 6, 2005 11:43 AM
IANAMP...but i'd agree with the separate accounts, mostly, because i wouldn't want a mr. julee knowing how much i spend on yarn and meat.
hell, i've got two closets right now. i don't think i'd be able to share them. ok, maybe.
if i were married, i may even demand separate houses.
it's really sad when you fantasize about marriage less and less, until you're just to the point where you can think about splitting your mortgage check. aaaghs. that's the fantasy right now. that's why i don't fantasize anymore. it's just me and my closets now.
Posted by: julee at March 7, 2005 02:48 PM