Anger and Frustration
I am not feeling good today and I am angry and frustrated about it. Last night I felt pretty good. Not normal, but not bad. I went to bed expecting to wake up and feel good enough to exercise and to go about my day more normally than I have for the past several. But it didn’t work out that way at all. I woke up today feeling sick and tired, and it has lasted all day. I have no energy, no will, and no strength. I have spent the day trying to will myself to get up off the couch and move…to do something. But I keep falling back, exhausted and tired and angry. Angry at my body, angry at this cancer, angry that I have to go through this.
I didn’t expect this. I was certain that after the weekend I would feel better each day and I counted on my body to recover and to bounce back and to feel normal again by now. I keep picking up my cancer books or getting online to read about side-effects to find out whether or not this is normal, and I keep reading about how many people have few if any side-effects and about how many people go about their normal lives with no problem between treatments. I also keep reading suggestions about how exercise can help with the exhaustion. But I am too exhausted to think of attempting even a walk around the block, let alone real exercise.
I know that chemotherapy affects everyone differently and that there are no guarantees that your body will react one way or the other. But I am realizing now that I expected to be one of those people everyone keeps telling me about who just sails through it. I am not sailing so far, and I am not happy about it at all.
Comments
Sailors have off days too. Don't worry, sometimes the tradewinds are a'gin ya and you have to lower your sails, pull out a deck of cards and drift the way the waves carry you.
When winds are strong and at your back, it is easy to believe you are the master of your destiny. When those same winds taper, you realize you are only a part of the grander design of it all.
And you wouldn't be the first captain to curse the powers that trigger the wind, or lack thereof.
Be mindful that you are at the center of all of our thoughts and prayers. Sit down, take a breath and find the calm place withing you. Remember, this too shall pass.
Posted by: Sonofasailor | July 31, 2007 04:33 PM
Kim: You can do this!! You are stronger and tougher than that damn cancer and I know that you will come out on top! Let yourself have all the time it takes to rest and be still- and then come out kicking and screaming! You can do it! Remember that all the time you take to rest will help replenish your strength to WIN this fight! I like what that other person wrote- you are already a survivor! I will be praying that the anger and frustration subside along with your symptoms and most of all, that you feel strong peace and iron will to get through this- you can do it!
Posted by: Cynthia | July 31, 2007 04:57 PM
Just take it sloooowly, Kim. Do whatever your body tells you it's ready for-- sleep and rest and regain your strength. You WILL regain it, it just takes time. Healing takes time!! And your body IS healing.
Just remember how many people are thinking of you, praying for you... And I hope you receive some peace and strength from that!!
Lots of love xoxo
Posted by: candygirlflies | July 31, 2007 06:06 PM
I feel your frustration, and I cry with you. I remember in one of my earliest emails to you saying that "cancer cures OCD." I thought it was so funny when it hit me, but it also is so true.
Be frustrated and be as angry as you want. You've earned it. You don't deserve it, and one day you will be through with it, but today, accept it and don't punish yourself for your emotions.
I think of you every day. Don't ever doubt that.
Posted by: Alison | July 31, 2007 08:02 PM
You'll have to learn how your body will respond to the chemo. Generally speaking, most people have a bad week followed by a good week. I wouldn't go into this with ANY expectation though. Keeping an open mind this first week will serve you well. After the first couple of treatments, you'll know what to expect.
Posted by: Joel Maners | July 31, 2007 08:50 PM
Hi Love,
So sorry you're having a hard day. As a fellow type A, I can imagine how horrible you feel to be sidelined from so many things by cancer. You've treated your body well over the years - and now it must feel as if it has betrayed you.
We are all here loving you and sending you strength.
Posted by: Mieke | July 31, 2007 10:21 PM
(((HUGE HUGS))) I've had a lot of weird illness in my life and I'm prone to weird reactions to things. One thing I've found is that sometimes new drugs throw me for a loop at first and my body needs time to get into a groove with the medication before I can get back on track. Maybe that's happened to you here? I'll be praying that you regain your strength quickly and that the next round isn't as severe in terms of side effects.
Posted by: PT-LawMom | July 31, 2007 10:25 PM
As my 90 year old great aunt and uncle used to say when they woke up each morning, "Wow! I get another day." It may not be the best day, but it is another gift each of us has.
Just take whatever the day gives you and try not to fight your body's needs. Listen to yourself and do what you can. We all love you so much and want this to hurry past and it will, really it will.
Posted by: Aunt Mary Jane | August 1, 2007 08:47 AM
Wow, Kim, you're right -- we have had mirror days lately. I've heard of people having so many different kinds of reaction to the AC -- but I hear that LOTS of us hit a nadir (low spot) at 3/4 days after, and it's unexpected since we'd been feeling better. Don't forget also that your white blood cell counts are dropping precipitously about now, and all your counts are plummeting as the chemo takes effect. That will knock you for a loop. Hang in there and just do what you can do.
Hugs.
Posted by: WhyMommy | August 4, 2007 06:37 AM