Girl, Interrupted
I was able to go to school yesterday and I made it to both classes. I took advantage of my friend Kristi’s generosity and hung out on her couch between classes, which really helped me make it through the day. I was exhausted by the time I got home, but at least I was able to attend class. I’m hoping that I can go again tomorrow.
My blood test today showed very low white and red blood cell counts…not that those numbers were any surprise to me. I still feel tired and weak, so I didn’t think the numbers would be high. The exhaustion is starting to get to me. I’m just tired of being so tired all the time.
I’ve been thinking for the past couple of days that I need to post an update, but I’ve been putting it off mostly because I’m getting tired of hearing myself complain about how bad I feel. It's all getting really old.
Today I’ve been thinking about how very much I want the old boring mundane normal parts of my life back. In a perfect world, I would be able to just continue on with things the way I always have with a couple of intermissions here and there for a treatment or for feeling sick one day. In reality, however, that just doesn’t happen. There’s nothing normal about cancer treatment. It is all-consuming. I have to think about it all the time and I am tired of there being little room in my head for anything else.
So much that is pleasurable and important in my life has been stripped away by this damn disease. I want to go to lunch with friends, but I’m too tired and I don’t have any appetite and can’t taste the food, anyway. I want to hang out with Randy in the evening watching the Food Network and drinking a Blue Moon out of a frozen beer mug with a slice of orange floating in it, but I’m not supposed to drink and have no desire to do so anyway and can hardly keep my eyes open past 9:00 p.m. I want to look forward to an amazing dinner at Bistro Wasabi or a night playing games or just hanging out with friends, but I don’t have the energy to go to dinner or even to be social. I want to be worried about getting my reading done for class and about making sure that everyone else gets their homework done and about keeping up with laundry and about how to get everyone to all of their activities during the week, but instead I have to worry about whether or not I’m going to feel half-way human on any given day.
Last night we went to the opening of a new local restaurant. It was the first time since I started chemo that I’ve done anything that resembles a social occasion. I spent a long time deciding what to wear and doing my makeup. Once I got dressed, however, I realized that I hadn’t planned ahead enough and that I had nothing to put on my head that would match my outfit. I tried on several different scarves, but couldn’t find anything that worked. So I changed my clothes and this time I chose the outfit based on what scarves I had. I couldn’t tie the scarf satisfactorily and I couldn’t find jewelry that worked with the whole ensemble. In the end, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I am not a bald woman in a scarf with mismatched jewelry whose outfit is close but not quite all that she wants it to be. Usually I would love to attend an event like this, and I would relish the opportunity to put on something nice and to do my hair and wear great shoes and socialize with people. Not only was I frustrated with my inability to pull it altogether last night, but I was furious at the cancer for taking so much away from me.
The most difficult part of this, it turns out, is not the diagnosis or the treatments, but the loss of so much that I took for granted before and my inability to recapture those small parts of myself and my life.
Comments
Kim, stay strong! As the saying goes: "Life is not measured my the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." You are doing an amazing job "fitting" this in to your very full life. You are an inspiration to me when I think of all those things you have the courage to continue to do! You take my breath away.
Posted by: Beth | August 29, 2007 09:07 PM
Every morning when you wake up you are one day closer to being finished with this very difficult period of your life. One day at a time, Kim. You WILL make it.
Posted by: Cheryl | August 29, 2007 09:47 PM
Kim, you go right ahead and vent, girl, you've EARNED it!! We're here, we can take it.
It's all new, what you're dealing with... and YOUR experience doesn't come with an instruction manual! You're just doing the very best you can.
We're all here, rooting for you, and admiring you every step of the way. Whether your headscarf matches your shoes or not, you're BEAUTIFUL!!
Lots of love CGF xo
Posted by: candygirlflies | August 29, 2007 09:51 PM
Ah, Kim. The view from the mountain tops wouldn't be near as glorious if we didn't do our time in their shadows. You can only keep up the bottle it up for so long before you have to release some pressure. This is your release valve, Honey... so let 'er blow!
I used to get so ticked off trying to match head wear to my wardrobe and bloated face. The upside to that is... I finally learned to accessorize!
Posted by: Imstell | August 29, 2007 11:53 PM
Damned cancer!
You'll be back Kim.
Just get through this.
You'll be back.
Posted by: Joel Maners | August 29, 2007 11:54 PM
"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship."
- Louisa May Alcott
Kim, please try to sit back and take stock of all you have done in the past several months instead of giving in to those nasty storm clouds. You are just learning how to sail your ship and it will take some time to get used to the current rigging.
Somedays you are going to sail fast and clean, and good for you. Other days, well, perhaps you can allow yourself to accept drifting with the waves. Your stamina and work ethic don't allow you to enjoy those days that feel slower to you, but you are doing just fine.
And remember, you have already sailed far beyond most of our safe harbors. We watch your daily progress and are blown away by what you are able to endure, and still accomplish. Everything you achieve exceeds our expectations of you. You are doing great.
Besides, you're already far ahead of Michael Jordan or any other pro athlete. They never have learned the art(?) of accessorizing.
Posted by: Sonofasailor | August 30, 2007 08:20 AM
Son of a Sailor - I LOVE that quote! I knew she was a favorite of mine for a reason. ;-)
Posted by: imstell | August 30, 2007 08:58 AM
(((HUGS)))
Posted by: PT-LawMom | August 30, 2007 11:05 AM
Just try to comprehend this. When you DO have those things back (and you will), you will be one of A FEW people on God's earth who know that value and the beauty of everything in life. You will be the eyes, ears, mouth, touch, feelings of what we all SHOULD feel but are miserably not able to. You are lucky, Kimi. Because you are human, the way we humans SHOULD be. Thank you for you, for teaching all of us, and from saving us from the wastes, ignorance, selfishness and self-centeredness that we all suffer from. You rock my world, KCK!
I love you.
Posted by: Carla | August 30, 2007 11:08 PM
Change the specific activities and this is a post I would have written two years ago.
Please trust me when I tell you it gets better. Don't get me wrong. Every time I have something related to my cancer - revisions on my reconstruction, thrush (I still get it every now and then), whatever - I get so angry. It's like tearing a scab off an old wound. But the good thing is the wound is a little more healed than it was the last time.
And eventually you will go hours, then days, then maybe even weeks where you don't even think about the cancer from your past. And then one day you'll be sitting around a table with a bunch of friends, eating chocolate fondue and drinking wine (or whatever) and you'll have them in stitches as you relate different stories from your cancer experience. I know this because it happened last night.
Please don't feel bad about complaining. Your life sucks right now. BUT you're not letting it get the best of you. I'm still in awe of you - maintaining law school while going through chemo. You're truly amazing! You can complain all the time and STILL be amazing!!
Posted by: Jenster | August 31, 2007 10:07 AM
Oy! I forgot to say that, while you CAN complain all the time - you have that very valid right - you don't. Your posts aren't one complaint after another. They're simply relating whatever it is you're going through.
Posted by: Jenster | August 31, 2007 10:10 AM
Je comprends que tu sois parfois en colère contre ce cancer, mais chaque jour qui passe, même s'il est mauvais, te rapproche de la fin du traitement et de la guérison. Alors, courage ! tu te débrouilles bien et tu fais face, alors tu vas gagner !
Plein, plein de bisous.
Joëlle.
Posted by: Joelle | September 1, 2007 09:21 AM
Kim, it was nice talking to you at the soccer practice. It brings tears in my eyes what you and your family are going thru. However I am very happy that you have come a long way and a very strong person. Look at it this way, you are a fighter (being a mom of 3 kids, a wife, a student and dealing with this disease). When this is over you will appreciate life more than others. Don't worry about what you look or if your clothes do not match your scarf because you look great!!! You have my cell # and you're just next door, let me know if Matthew needs a ride to practice. Just give me a call. I'm pretty sure Jayson will love it. Meg
Posted by: Meg | September 1, 2007 12:44 PM
Kim, You'll get back there. I know it seems like forever, and I know today when you read this, you'll probably be feeling differently (good moods, bad moods -- it's ok), but I'm here to tell you -- it's only 3.5 years past for me, and it seems like a lifetime. My life with cancer was another life. My old life is back, but better because I lived through cancer. My hair is back, and when I feel it in my hands, I close my eyes and feel so lucky. My legs are strong and my body feels good, and I can't believe there were times I couldn't walk across the street without needing a nap. You'll get there. And there will be times in the future, you'll even forget how bad it was, and you'll kick yourself for getting caught up in the petty stuff again. You're doing great! Hugs to you. Sorry I've been AWOL...will read more and post more soon.
Posted by: Deb | September 4, 2007 02:33 PM