The End
…of the chemo chapter, anyway. It’s not really the very end. I still have lots of doctor’s appointments in the future…check-ups and port flushes and blood tests, etc. But today was the last time that I will ever have to get hooked up to an IV to receive chemotherapy drugs. Hopefully for the rest of my very, very long life. I don’t feel as excited as I thought I might, but I do feel hopeful. I am hopeful that everything I have been through since April has been worth it, hopeful that all the cancer is gone from my body, hopeful that, barring any buses coming out of nowhere, I will make it to my 100th birthday. (And it's not the end of my blogging...I'm just getting started!)
Today’s appointment was great…the doctors and nurses and other patients were all excited about my scholarship win and told me all about how they told their relatives and friends to vote for me, and everyone was excited that this was my last chemo appointment. I was able to talk to my friend Jane the teacher for a long time, which was wonderful. (Both Janes were there today, but one left just after I arrived so we didn’t get to talk very much.) I made chocolate cake for the staff, which was a big hit, and the nurses jumped in and helped me with the vial of blood for the genetic test—one of them even offered to call FedEx for a pick-up of the package! Those nurses are so wonderful…I will miss seeing them each week as much as I won’t miss the chemo.
Now that chemo is OVER, I feel like I can look forward. Up until recently, I hadn’t been looking much past today. Not because I thought I wasn’t going to make it to today, but because everything that has happened in the last seven months has been very intense and all-consuming and has left me little time for contemplation of anything else. It’s been as if I was in some kind of strange cancer time-warp. It feels like it’s been two years of dealing cancer, and the time before my diagnosis seems like it happened years and years ago.
Most of my classmates have spent the fall lining up summer (or permanent) employment. I’ve hardly thought about next summer and what I’m going to do. I should be sending out resumes and trying to line something up right now, but the thought of going on an interview with no hair or eyelashes or eyebrows is terrifying to me. I would have to decide if I was going to explain the bald head or just let it be an elephant in the room. And we’re talking about a pretty conservative industry here, so I’m certain that the way I look would have an impact on any hiring decisions. I would have to explain that by the time May rolls around I will look and feel “normal.” Would I pull out an old picture of myself to show a potential employer how I look when I don’t look like a cancer patient? Would they have questions about my ability to perform? I’m not quite sure what to do about this.
I also feel like I can look forward to bringing some normalcy back to our house. Without treatments and blood tests and recovery days we can all have a more active social schedule. I can start planning for the holidays and preparing for finals. Once I feel better, I can start exercising and really working on the diet changes I’ve been starting to make. And I can start watching my hair come back, which will be really wonderful.
I know it’s going to be a long road back and that I’m not totally out of the woods yet, but I hope the worst of it is over. Now if I can just get through the weekend….
Comments
You WILL make it through the weekend and every day after that will be better than the one before it. This is such a great day. I've been thinking about you all day! It must be such a huge relief to know that you don't have to go back to the chemo chair in two weeks. Congratulations, friend. You did good.
Posted by: Cheryl | November 1, 2007 06:00 PM
Yeah! Here's to your very very long life and my wishes that this is the last bad thing ever in it! You deserve happiness and peace from here on out- I just know only good things are in store for you now! Congrats!
Posted by: Cynthia | November 1, 2007 06:33 PM
Welcome, my friend, to the SURVIVOR'S Club and the first day of the rest of your life. Have you thought that far yet?
I understand the time warp. In ways it feels as if my diagnosis was merely months ago not nearly years... yet it feels that I've lived in this altered reality for a small bit of eternity already.
Congratulations! And may the weekend pass swiftly.
Posted by: Imstell | November 1, 2007 08:13 PM
I'm so glad the chemo is over for you!! You've made it to the top of the high hill and now it's time for the ride down. It will still be bumpy in parts, but it gets smoother the farther you get from the top. And after what you've been through, the bumps don't seem so bad.
My best to you!
Posted by: Jenster | November 1, 2007 08:34 PM
Kim, I am so incredibly proud of you, I can hardly put it into words...
You did it.
YOU DID IT!!
And now, onward and upward.
I can't wait to hear all about it in the days and weeks and YEARS to come!!
Lots of love and a BIG hug,
CGF xo
Posted by: candygirlflies | November 1, 2007 08:43 PM
Blessings to you and your family. It has been amazing watching and learning with you. Thanks for taking time to keep us all up to date and taking us on this journey with you. I am looking forward to the next chapter!
Posted by: Beth | November 1, 2007 10:23 PM
Kim, I'm so glad for you. And I am glad to hear that you will keep blogging... I'm really enjoying getting to see a whole different side of you.
Love ya!
Posted by: Victoria | November 1, 2007 10:27 PM
Yay Kim!!! I will be praying for nothing but excellent news from the doctors and that the next five years of great health fly by! As for potential employers, do you really want to work for someone who can't take you as you are? I get that you don't want to put yourself out there right now, but you have to trust in your inner talents. You're beautiful as you are right now and your hair will grow back.
Posted by: PT-LawMom | November 1, 2007 11:00 PM
You sound great Kim. Forget about summer for now. Everything works itself out. Just get through finals and enjoy the holiday.
Posted by: Mieke | November 1, 2007 11:56 PM
Congratulations on reaching a milestone!
(...and I voted for you! Yeah for getting the scholarship!)
Posted by: Beverly | November 2, 2007 06:53 AM
Ding dong, the C(hemo) is dead, the C is dead, the C is dead! Way to go getting those treatments finished and behind you!
Whatever language chemo speaks, its Adieu! Ciao! Bella! Arrivederci! Sayonara! auf Wiedersehen! Biday(Bengali)!
Here's hoping you can begin cleansing your mind of all the medical jargon and treatments, sleep for a few days to recharge the batteries and dream for the Holidays and spending time with your family. There's always the New Year to exercise, become more fit and fill yourself with healthy foods.
You handled the diagnosis and treatment so well, I can only imagine what you will do now that the trips to the green recliner are in your rearview mirror.
Woo-hoo!
Posted by: Sonofasailor | November 2, 2007 08:42 AM
Well, first, congratulations! What a huge huge milestone for you. May you never ever ever have to deal with a chemo treatment EVER AGAIN.
As for your concerns about law firms and interviewing and summer positions - oh, the social worker in me just gets SO MAD about what you posted, even though I know there is certainly truth in it. Having to worry about those types of impressions and judgements is a very legitimate and real part of the cancer process, but I get so frustrated that we live in a society where you have to worry about that.
On the bright side, I know there ARE many progressive and open minded firms (my husband works for one) that would not only not hold your appearance against you, but could even view your cancer journey as an asset, as a testimonial to your strength and dedication to the law (to continue with school during all of this). And really, wouldn't you want to work at one of those firms anyway? :)
Posted by: Minivan mom | November 2, 2007 01:07 PM
I have such a ball of excitement for you at reading this wonderful news! The end of chemo. I agree that when the day came for me I also felt less "excited" then I expected. But now I am that excited for you!
Posted by: sarah | November 2, 2007 04:18 PM
Awesome news to share! Feel better quickly!!
Posted by: Les~ | November 2, 2007 04:56 PM
"This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end"
-Jim Morrison
Posted by: Joel Maners | November 2, 2007 10:05 PM
Congrats on the scholarship and on finishing chemo! And, just wanted to add that 5 weeks post chemo I did get a first interview, and then a 2nd, for a dream job. I had no hair, no eyelashes, no eyebrows. So, I wore the dreaded wig, and paid to have my makeup done, as that is SO not my forte. In the end, I didn't get the job, but I made it to the finalists, and it's a very coveted position. I was quite proud of myself for doing it. And 3 weeks later my eyebrows and eyelashes grew back in. by 11 weeks post chemo I had a head full of very short hair, with bald spots, and full enough eyebrows that I went and had them shaped. And now I have so many eyelashes that it seems kind of weird. Anyways, the point is that it will all come back. If you get interviews in the 3-6 months after chemo, a wig will help, but after that you'll have enough hair to pull it off as someone who just has very short hair.
The future's bright :)
Posted by: AmandaM | November 3, 2007 09:09 AM
Kim, so happy for you and the scolarship win. You deserve it. Also, so glad that you are done with the chemo. Isn't it great that you don't have to deal with that during the holidays?! I couldn't be happier for you! Love, Sharon
Posted by: Sharon Peckham | November 4, 2007 09:08 AM