86 Days
I snapped a couple of new hair regrowth progress pictures this morning and then decided that today was a good day to share the post-chemo images that you have been asking about. I previously took pictures 1 day post-chemo and then again 51 days post-chemo. Today is 86 days post-chemo. I haven’t looked at the 1 and 51 day pictures since I took them.
I added the 86 day pictures today and then looked at them all in order, side by side. These photos were supposed to chronicle the regrowth of my hair, but my reaction to them caught me totally off-guard.
I have spent the past month and a half feeling so great and so healthy, and every day I feel like I am recovering both physically and mentally from everything that I went through last year. Looking at these pictures, however, brought it all back. When I look at the photo of me with no makeup on that first day post-chemo it makes me cry. The picture makes me feel frightened to my very core about the idea of ever going back there again.
Every day, no matter how good I feel, there is always a tiny place in my heart that can’t forget about the cancer. That little place is constantly wondering if there are any cancer cells left in my body and if there are, how and where and when they might manifest themselves. That tiny place worries that maybe there is more cancer somewhere else. I am certain that these feelings are common to all cancer survivors—they are just part of the cancer package. And most of the time they don’t bother me. I plan to live my life fully and without undue worry as much as I possibly can. Looking at these pictures, however, pulls that tiny worry right to the very front of my mind. When I see these images of myself looking like this I feel everything that I went through—all the sadness and fear and grief and pain and weakness. While I am glad that I have documented the journey through photographs, I have a feeling that I won’t look back at them very often. Maybe it will get easier with time, but for now it isn’t something that I want to revisit.
At the same time, when I look at the picture of myself that I took this morning I can see how far I’ve come and how far I am from all that I experienced last year. That picture gives me great hope, because if I look like that 86 days after my last treatment then it can only get better from here.
Day 1 Post Chemo (November 2, 2007--No Makeup)
Day 1 Post Chemo (November 2, 2007--With Makeup)
Day 51 Post Chemo (December 22, 2007); This is the first day I was able to put mascara on my microscopic short little eyelashes!
Day 86 Post Chemo (January 26, 2008); The eventual color of my hair is anyone's guess. There are a lot of dark strands, but there are also a lot of blonde strands. (And they are all just as straight as they can be. So much for curly hair.) It looks like it is going to be very close to my regular untreated oh-so-lovely shade of dishwater blonde. If that's the case, as soon as I hit the 6-month safety mark I'll be at Suzy's house getting highlights!
Day 86 Post Chemo (January 26, 2008)
Comments
Kim, you look fantastic. I can totally see why people would think you were choosing to wear your hair this way. It looks really cute! Hopefully the days will pass quickly and soon your hair will have grown in enough that this will all be just a painful memory. (((HUGS)))
Posted by: PT-LawMom | January 26, 2008 11:27 AM
Dear Nellie~
Your Looking Good - You cutie pie! What your Sea Bees might say- Ship Shape.
I'm so glad you have shared with all of us your journey -and sorry you had to take the damn journey in the first place!
Now that you are on the other side of this... tell me you are coming back to Bali Hai?
Emile
Posted by: Bkla | January 26, 2008 11:30 AM
I think you look awesome! Short suits you! Isn't it incredible what a difference eyelashes makes? I've never felt so ugly & unattractively moon-faced in my life as when my eyebrows & lashes were gone. Love the pic comparison.
Posted by: Imstell | January 26, 2008 12:07 PM
Also, the worry will subside in time... then rear it's ugly head when you least expect it, only to fade away again. I am guessing that the farther into survivorhood we get the dimmer the recollection and less worry.
Posted by: Imstell | January 26, 2008 12:10 PM
Oh Kim, you look AWESOME!!!
Posted by: Victoria | January 26, 2008 01:40 PM
Wow! Your hair looks great! The difference between days 51 and 86 is amazing- and it really does look cute just as it is now. Very chic :)
Posted by: LL | January 26, 2008 03:37 PM
I agree -- you look like this is your choice haircut. Wonderful!
About the other stuff: I have a hard time with family photos around the time of my brain hemorrhage. I get no pleasure in looking at the ones immediately after. Even though it had a happy ending.
And, for months and months, I worried that it would recur. Less so every year. Hardly ever now, a decade later. And yet, when I was in Estonia and got a sharp headache...
Trauma leaves marks. But, it also makes us older and wiser. And so very appreciative of good outcomes.
Posted by: nina | January 26, 2008 03:56 PM
You look fantastic!!
Posted by: Proto Attorney | January 26, 2008 04:04 PM
You look great!
It does get easier, but I think it is important to relive and remember and to deal, because when we are in the middle of it, we simply go forward at any cost. I have addressed this in emails to you before, but what you went through was very traumatic, and there is a human tendency to bury trauma. At least, I do. I just would say to you to feel. Feel however you want, relieved, happy, sad or scared, but don't deny yourself the feelings.
The cancer is gone. The experience is still fresh and raw.
You will be fine, and short hair looks fantastic on you!
Posted by: Alison | January 26, 2008 04:58 PM
Your hair looks great! My mom has a few bald spots still where the hair is not growing at all. She is using Rogaine.
I know about the worrying. I worry about my mom all the time. It feels like we have been waiting forever.
Posted by: Mel Woods | January 26, 2008 05:37 PM
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. you're gorgeous. with or without hair.
Posted by: Ree | January 26, 2008 10:05 PM
I think you look fabulous!!
Posted by: Shelby | January 27, 2008 09:00 AM
You are so pretty! Even with no hair, you have a beautiful smile.
Posted by: NewDuck | January 27, 2008 12:10 PM
When I saw the first few pictures, what struck me the most was the SMILE, and the beautiful eyes!!
You were gorgeous going through it all, and gorgeous now that it's over, and you've won!
I, too, love the new "do"... it DOES look like you've had it done by a swanky stylist!
I'm so proud of you, Kim... and proud to be your friend.
xo CGF
Posted by: candygirlflies | January 27, 2008 09:56 PM
You look great! Thanks for sharing the photo progress of this part of your journey. As soon as I had some fuzz on my hair I ditched the wig! I had already done the super short hair thing so I guess that made me a little more comfortable to be out with a little bit of new hair! You rock girl!
Posted by: Cathy Bueti | January 28, 2008 09:07 PM
You look WONDERFUL! It's so great to see you smiling after your ordeal!
Posted by: Shelley | January 29, 2008 10:53 PM
You're lookin' hot. Like my wife tells me sometimes, "You'd better not be talkin' to anyone!"
Posted by: Joel Maners | January 31, 2008 10:35 PM
Kim, you're amazing! WOW! Again, you look simply stunning - the "do" looks good on you! Count me out of camping (hee hee) but count me in for a donation!
Posted by: Natalie | February 2, 2008 11:32 PM
You are such a beautiful woman. Always.
Posted by: Mieke | February 4, 2008 12:00 AM
You look incredible hair or no
Posted by: sabino | March 10, 2008 06:26 PM