Flashbacks
I have written before about how frequently I still think and talk about breast cancer. I am still dealing with several residual physical effects of chemotherapy, including, among others, menopause, weird nail issues, and nerve damage in my left arm and back. (All of which are minor, minor issues compared to chemo and cancer!) There are left-over emotional issues, as well. Every time I hear about a cancer diagnosis I find myself getting emotional about it, for example. And there are times when something unexpected triggers a very distinct, physical memory of chemo, which can be overwhelming sometimes.
I had one of those moments last week. I was getting ready to leave the house to go to school one morning and I decided to wear a bright fuchsia trench coat since it was such a beautiful day. I didn’t want to wear one of my dark scarves with the coat and I remembered that I had a scarf with all kinds of bright colors on it that I had worn on my head last summer. I ran upstairs, dug through the scarves hanging in the back of my closet, and pulled out the brightly colored one. As I began to unfold it to look at it, I was struck by my physical reaction to the colors, the pattern, and the feel of the scarf. Holding it made me feel almost nauseous, and I experienced a strong physical aversion to the scarf. I tried to tell myself that I was being silly, but I couldn’t overcome the feeling; I could hardly look at it. I knew there was no possible way I was going to be able to wear it, so I hung it back up and decided not to wear a scarf at all. It was a strange feeling because I have never had such a strong reaction to an article of clothing. (Other than when I find a pair of shoes that I must have, of course, but that’s a much more positive feeling!)
I have held on to my scarves and hats out of some kind of superstitious fear of a cancer recurrence, but I think that I am going to donate them somewhere because I need to get them out of my house. I am sure that I will never, ever wear them again unless I have to go through chemo again, and I can’t wait around for that to happen!
Comments
I still wear the cotton tops that I wore throughout radiation, but I understand that feeling. The triggers continue for years, but they do occur less and less. Toss the bad memories!
Posted by: Alison | April 21, 2008 10:08 AM
I am not at all surprised you feel this way about those scarves and hats... no matter how gorgeous they are. I wonder if there is a place that you could donate them?
Wish I lived closer... we could go on a SERIOUS shopping spree (for new shoes, too), and then hit the nearest chocolate emporium to "recuperate"!
Go easy on yourself, Kim. You've come through so much-- many warriors suffer from post-traumatic stress!
Love to you-- xo CGF
Posted by: candygirlflies | April 21, 2008 02:11 PM
This has been sort of an emotional week for me as well. It was this same week last year that we found out that my wife had BC. My daughter had just finished playing in the local soccer tournament. I coached one of the local teams, not her's. Traci had gone in for a mammorgram the previous Wednesday but we had forgotten to call about the results the following Friday. On Monday after the soccer tournament, we got the bad news. I am glad that we got that one last weekend of peace.
This past weekend, I coached my daughter's team in the tournament. While the games were a good escape, I could never completely escape the memories from a year ago.
Posted by: Joel Maners | April 23, 2008 02:57 PM
I understand the feelings, Kim. I have them myself! I finished chemo 5 wks ago and the side effects are just tough. 2 days ago marked a year since I found the 1st lump of several on my breast. I have mixed feelings about everything, but keeps me going is that, just like you, I'm here. Love you!
Monica
Posted by: monica | April 26, 2008 06:31 PM
HI..I found your blog while I searched images of lumpectomy which Im scheduled for June 10th after having a core needle biospy and finding atypical ductal hyperplasia..now they will biospy the whole thing to make sure nothing is lurking in the tumor 2cmm...I just wanted to say I couldnt stop reading your blog from day one..I too find the humor in certain things (which Ive always done to get thru stressful situations) workout, try and eat healthy and also love my wine now and then, never smoked and have a great husband and kids after 22 yrs of marriage..just wanted to thank u for your blog and Im glad I stumbled upon it...things happen for a reason and I just wanted to let u know how much I appreciate you writing it...thanks and the best to you and your family...Beth.
Posted by: Beth Lampron | May 2, 2008 06:17 PM