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August 26, 2005
Request: What's a spouse to do?
A concerned reader writes:
I'm the wife of a (soon to be) 1L, who will be working full time and attending law school at night for the next four years. We have two children.
I'm going to be “holding down the fort” on the homefront while he concentrates on law school. This means all house-related, budget-related, kid- and family-related things are MINE to handle. I'm a bit freaked about all the stress this is going to ential for me, as well as for him. Are there any sites that might be helpful to me?
I'm not wanting to become a bitter old hag about it, nor am I wanting to end up as a statistic under the “law school claimed their marriage” heading.
Funny, I just talked to Dave! a bit about this very thing. I'll be posting our conversation here on Sept. 5th as part of the back-to-school Blawg Review, but perhaps he'll have some more thoughts he could share before that time. Of course, there are many many people who have wrestled with this same monster, so what do you think, dear readers? Can you offer any tips for the law-student spouse?
Just to get the ball rolling, and because I'm known to stick my nose where it has no business: It sounds a little like Mr. Law Student here might be going a little overboard in dumping all the domestic business on the spouse. I mean, he's going to be busy, sure, but surely he'll be able to help out a little, won't he? But I know nothing. Please! Those who know, share!
Posted by mowabb at August 26, 2005 08:48 AM
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I can certainly share my experiences and what works for me and my wife. Of course, all marriages are different and what works for us may not work for you. But for what it's worth, here goes:
For the spouse:
You should understand that working full-time and attending law school part-time is physically and mentally exhausting. Your spouse is at work all day and just when they would normally be able to leave work, go home and unwind or decompress, they have to switch modes entirely and basically put in another day of work. By the time they are done (at least for me) their brain is pretty fried, and they just kind of collapse, try to rest, and start over the next day.
For the married part-time law student, there comes the added guilt that comes from the feeling that you are neglecting your family and marriage. This only contributes to the emotional stress that comes with the whole experience. The most important thing you can do is to be understanding. Understand that while going to law school is an investment (career and money wise) for your family, it's also a sacrifice for your family. You have to be supportive or it won't work.
For the law-student:
You should understand that taking care of the kids, the house, finances, etc. is physically and mentally exhausting. Your spouse is with the kids all day and just when they would normally be able to calm down, unwind or decompress, they have to switch modes entirely and basically put in another day of work: cleaning, cooking, paying bills. By the time they are done, they just kind of collapse, try to rest, and start over the next day.
For the married spouse of the part-time law student, there comes the added resentment that comes from the feeling that your partner is neglecting the family and marriage. This only contributes to the emotional stress that comes with the whole experience. The most important thing you can do is to be understanding. Understand that while going to law school is an investment (career and money wise) for your family, it's also a sacrifice for your family. You have to be supportive of your spouse and family or it won't work.
For You Both:
I don’t have a clue how your marriage, family, and household work. So I’m not going to say, “you should do this” or “you should do that”. I’m just going to tell you what my wife and I do--take what you want and leave what you don’t.
First, we share all house-hold responsibilities. We don’t have kids, but we have four cats (that my wife thinks are kids). So I do litter boxes. My wife does laundry. We have a rule that each person is responsible for their own messes—you made it, you clean it.
The other chores we’ve split up: she does the kitchen, I do the bathrooms. I do a little bit of cleaning each day. Why? Because cleaning is largely mindless. I can be thinking about Civil Procedure while I’m using the Toilet Duck. So I spend 30 min or so each day knocking out my share of the chores.
Am I super tired when I get home? Hell yeah. Do I want to do chores? Hell no. But that's the agreement we arrived at *together*. My wife cooks (because she likes to more than I do). I pay the bills (because I like to more than she does).
That's how we deal with the mundane. And by working together, we do manage to get it all done, and still have time for studies and work, and each other.
Here's the big thing we do that I think is pretty cool--and I do highly recommend for anyone: we make time for each other.
Friday night is veg night. We just chill. No cleaning, no cooking (pizza!) just chilling at home. Do not be so foolish as to think you don't need time to decompress; everyone needs some decompression time or you will get the bends, dig?
Saturday is *our* day. Not work's and not school's. Period. On Saturday, there is no computer, no television, no studying, no working. It is a day for us. Sometimes we go out with friends, sometimes we stay in and read, whatever *we* decide to do. But it's for us. It's our day. We get to decide how we spend it, and we spend it together. No excuses. No project is more important, no class more important than my wife, my family or my friends. Years later, I don't want to be regretful that I didn't spend enough time with my loved ones. (How's the saying go? No one on their deathbed ever says, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office."). So I make time. If you're thinking you need that time to get everything done, I would say you are wrong.
I would argue that you need that time to give you the strength and grounding to get through the week and keep your priorities straight.
But that’s just me. And my family. Your mileage may vary.
Posted by: Dave! at August 26, 2005 12:20 PM
P.S. I'm sure Law Mom would have some advice on this one... she's going to school with a family and kids.
Posted by: Dave! at August 26, 2005 12:24 PM
I was a spouse of a law student in the past, and am now a live-in partner AS a law student. I also have 2 kids. My marriage did make it through law school, but has since dissolved, for unrelated reasons.
I really think that full time work and part-time law school is a LOT for a parent or spouse to take on. Each thing is so draining is and of itself.
I have been successful in balancing things now that I am the student, after having lived as the spouse of a student. I think that having this understanding is key. My partner works full time, but makes himself 100% available to pitch in with kids and house after work. My kids are in elementary school, and are every day more and more self-sufficient, so all of this helps. I am able to keep a few hours every day, and the weekends, specially set aside for the family, and work very hard to make sure my partner gets some time to himself on the weekends.
I think your husband needs as much advice as you do! Not just about the work, but about how to negotiate the family relationships amongst all of this.
I also think that you guys should consider the benefits of taking out a wee bit of loan money (okay, so "wee bit" won't do it ...) in order to allow your husband to work part-time, instead of full time. no matter the age of your children, i don't see how his trying to take all of this on can help but to affect the children and their relationship with him.
I wish you guys the best!!
Posted by: Suzanne at August 26, 2005 01:17 PM
I had a post on my blog the other day having to do with this slightly.
http://www.bloglicious.com/tony/archives/001149.html
My girlfriend and I met a couple of weeks before our 1L year at a happy hour for our section and we've been together ever since (been a year now). I think, going against conventional wisdom, that dating another person in your section or class can be great -- they understand first-hand how busy you are, how stressed you are and aren't freaked out that you just had a dream about contracts. Plus, since you both have to spend an ungodly amount of time at the library, at least you can do it together!
So my advice for law students with spouses/serious relationships? Get with a person already in law school!
Posted by: tony at August 26, 2005 01:44 PM
Dave!'s stolen some of my thunder here, but I'll add my comments anyway. (If it's one thing I've learned in law school, it's that you should never let the fact that someone's already said something deter you from speaking your thoughts.)
I should note that I'm a full-time student, so I can't talk about the particular problems that part-time students have. I have been on the other side, though, since my wife and I started dating when she was in med school and got married during her first year of residency. We don't have kids, either, but many of my classmates do.
To the spouse - it's going to demand more than you think is fair. You're never going to have enough time with your spouse. The next few years are going to demand that you draw on all of the tolerance, helpfulness and understanding that you have to give. Unfortunately, you're probably also going to have to do more than your share of chores, especially around exam time.
To the student - believe it or not, you don't have to study all the time. One of the best things I was told before I started was this: There's always something more you could be doing, whether that's doing more reading in the book, reading a commercial outline or something else. YOU have to decide that you've done enough and then you have to actually choose to stop.
Also, law school isn't a free pass to get out of doing your part in the marriage and in the household. That means that you still have to do some of the chores. Although, interestingly, Dave! and I have come to opposite accommodations on this (my wife pays the bills and I do the cooking).
For both - Dave! hit what I also think is the most important piece of advice for a couple. Take a day off - Saturday is a good choice. On this day, the student should do no law school work at all. Instead, that should be family day. Spend time with your spouse and kids. Hang out or go out. Whatever. Just not law school. That rule made the first year at least a little more tolerable for my wife. The only time I violated it was the weekend before exams, which is a pretty understandable exception.
I think if you both focus on what's important to you and remember that this is a temporary challenge to overcome, you should be ok.
Posted by: Jim at August 26, 2005 02:07 PM
Lots of good responses here -- thanks everyone! My girlfriend wants the record to reflect that I'm a big fat hypocrite in saying that Mr. Law Student shouldn't dump all the domestic responsibilities on the non-student partner. According to girlfriend, that's pretty much what I did and I wasn't even working while in law school. We have sort of worked this out, but... not well enough that I can really offer any advice on the point except what I already said and what Dave and Jim confirmed -- if Mr. Law Student doesn't carry at least a bit of the domestic load, there's going to be trouble!
Posted by: ambimb at August 27, 2005 10:18 AM
Wish I had know about this during law school, but it helps me immensely in my current career as domestic goddess...
Posted by: The Mommy Blawger at September 2, 2005 11:03 PM